Grizzly Groundswell

The Tygrrrr Express

Fear of the Follically Challenged

February 15, 2008 at 10:03 am (POLITICS) · www.blacktygrrrr.wordpress.com

There was a shooting in Illinois. People will make pious pronouncements, and then the story will fade.

The Wisconsin primary is in four days. Wake me up in 3 days in 23 hours.

Football season is over, and the Daytona 500 has nothing to do with football.

The writers’ strike ended. This is sad, but not news.

President’s Day could be an uplifting column about the Founding Fathers.

I guess what I am saying is that my column, which usually contributes nothing to decent society, will offer even less today.

No, I will not be doing recaps of episodes of the “Celebrity Apprentice,” but it is time to go back to the intellect that springs from my couch.

Yes, the guys and I were sitting around discussing the issues, and we have already exhausted the topics of C3PO and Fraggle Rock. Yet while Valentine’s Day would be a great day to debate whether or not lapdancing is cheating, that can wait until next year.

We are in the thick of a Presidential race, and I am deeply concerned that discrimination and bigotry will guide people. Oh sure, they claim they are openminded, saying all the right things when pollsters call. Yet when nobody is looking, will they truly have the courage to stop the discrimination against the follically challenged Americans?

It is time for a bald President.

Rudy Giuliani turned around New York City. He was amazing on 9/11. Yet Americans turned away from him. They looked deeper at him and concluded, sadly but accurately, “He’s bald.”

Fred Thompson was warm and cuddly, but all people talked about was frying an egg on top of that gleaming cueball. Oh yeah, and his wife was hot as well.

Jim Gilmore ran for President, although most people outside his family do not remember this. He was from Virginia. His platform? I forget. I just took  one look at him and said, “He’s bald.”

This discrimination has to stop.

The republican party’s best chance for winning the election on pure handsomeness went down the drain when Mitt Romney dropped out.

Unlike the big tent of the republican party, the democrats are as exclusionary as it gets. Barack Obama? Sure, he has funny ears, but so did Ross Perot. His crop on top is fine.

Hillary Clinton? No evidence exists that her hair is a weave. She is also married to Bill Clinton. He may not do anything with dignity or grace, but in terms of aging, he is a swan.

John Edwards? I will never be as pretty as that man, and I am pretty d@ng pretty.

The democrats are elitist Hollywood snobs. Unless you are straight out of central casting, you are banned from the stage.

Republicans even allowed a man with a full beard and top hat to lead them. His birthday is this month, although he shares it now with a fellow who wore a white wig. The bottom line is that republicans are the physical egalitarians.

Is Actor Roscoe Lee Browne a republican? If so, he can be Vice President. He is black, bald, and charismatic. He might also be deceased, so this suggestion is pending his currently actually existing.

Telle Savalas can be Attorney General, if Fred Thompson is unavailable.

The fear of the follically challenged must stop. They are people, they are among us, and they are demanding their place at the table.

This is just another reason to support John McCain.

I see the tide turning. At least 70-80% of the republican electorate supported follically challenged candidates. This is a mandate.

I am just trying to prevent riots in the street. When fat, bald, white men in their 50s start storming the American equivalent of whatever a Bastille is, watch out.

No longer should men have to go underground and remain in the closet. David Letterman makes 30 million dollars per year, and society has him wearing a toupee. Despite encouragement from Dr. Phil, Letterman will not join him and ditch the dishrag.

John Kerry claimed his band of brothers, but what is fighting with people in a war when they are jealous of your perfect mane?

John McCain is an American hero. He was tortured at the Hanoi Hilton for 5 1/2 years. They broke his ribs and fractured his arms and legs. They also shaved his head. Perhaps this is why he is against torture. Nobody should have their head shaved. To compound the pain, his captors grew thick beards.

Whether it be Al Queda or the Taliban, inbetween bouts of terrorism, these men are growing excess hair. How dare they mock male pattern baldness! That is unamerican, and these savages must be stopped.

John McCain gave his hair for his country. His follicles are probably still in that Vietnamese prison.

I am lucky enough as of this column to have a full head of spectacular hair. I am not Mitt Romney or John Edwards, but I am handsomer than the average bear.

Yet some of the people that have provided me with some of the best things in my life were follically challenged. I owe them my support.

Blind people have eye doctors. Deaf people can be given hearing aids. Fat people can diet or have liposuction.

There is no cure for the follically challenged.

Somebody must defend these people. Otherwise, if we lose our hair, nobody will be left to speak up for us.

Jim Gilmore, Fred Thompson and Rudy Giuliani had accomplishments. The American people did not care. The democrats were busy deciding between three perfectly coiffed individuals that had perfect hair and nothing else.

So I say turn up the radios, let “The Cowsills,” sing, “Flow it there, show it there, long, beautiful, my hair,” and pay homage to those who lack what we still hold dear.

John McCain is tested. He will not be afraid of terrorists, even ones that have excess hair.

So before we go to the polls in November, I shall leave you with the chant that caused my team to lose “Colorwar” at Summer Camp back in 1980. We were ahead by 2 1/2 points, and the 5 point penalty costs us the championship. The unit head did not find it funny. Instead of penalizing us for our chant, he should have worn it like a badge of honor.

Bald is beautiful.

Let the chrome domes roam. Vote for John McCain.

eric

Trackback URI | Comments RSS