Posted by blacktygrrrr in January 26th, 2008

THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

Why young single Jews are totally…(censored)

January 26, 2008 at 1:02 pm (POLITICS, Uncategorized) · www.blacktygrrrr.wordpress.com

Young single Jews in America today are completely (redacted bad word inserted here). I can honestly say that our plan at self immolation is working splendidly. What Hitler failed to do, we are doing to ourselves through intermarriage, and remaining childless as long as possible. Yet if there is one thing that is decimating Jewish singles, it is their political activism. I say “their,” because I am not an activist.

Personally, I think activists should be ductaped, strapped to a chair, and forced to watch video presentations of other activists. Then they would realize what it is like to listen to somebody ramble on about a social cause that only the speaker seems to care about.

Animal rights activists could be forced to listen to somebody rail about illegal immigration. Environmentalists could be subjected to pro-life lectures. Feminists can be pilloried with NRA members trying to shoot boll weevils. Do you know how hard it is to put an AK 47 through a boll weevil? Also, they do destroy cotton crops, and if there is one thing that will keep people of all stripes enthralled, it is a video about agriculture.

Yet Jewish liberals remain activists, or as I call them, “lacktivists,” because they lack…well…everything.

This is not just about liberalism, although that is part of the cancer eating away at Judaism. The bigger problem is that if civilizations do not reproduce, they die. The only way to reproduce is for people to meet each other. Being in the same room is not enough. There has to be actual human interaction. A Jewish social event I attended last night is a prime example of the problem. The only reason I attended was because it was one block from my home, so I could walk there and back. Plus, even if I did not meet a potential romantic partner, friends of mine would be there, making it bearable.

First there was a prayer service. People cannot talk to each other while they are praying, which is fine. However, afterwards there is a meal, and at some point, people at the same table should be able to converse.

Yet the pre-meal rituals must take place. Again, this is understandable. Rituals are important, and I do love my religion. However, this event had an environmental theme. All the food had environmental connections. I told my friend, “I think the potatoes are made out of hemp. Wanna try and smoke them later?”

Then the speeches came. It is not that they were liberal, boring, pompous and worthless. I have come to expect that out of liberalism. It is that I could not hear the people at my own table. Luckily they were friends of mine and not romantic prospects, but still…it was a nuisance. I tried to say hello to friends at a nearby table, but every time we reached a couple sentences, the next speaker would come on. Even my columns end faster, and I can be paused online.

Then the last speaker asked what we in the audience could do to be better based on what we had learned. This led to a speech about vegetarianism, at which point I began to pray that somebody would quote Howard Stern and recommend that we recycle toilet paper. Short of an oil tanker crashing into the room carrying scantily clad republican Jewish brunettes bearing sodas and hamburgers, this night was not going to get better.

Yes, the event was environmental, but it was still billed as an event for young single Jews to meet other young single Jews. How can we mingle when we cannot hear each other?

After the speakers were done, we almost had moments of conversation. However, then the organizers had to do “introductions.” Is every other person in the room a committee member? Apparently. After the introduction came “announcements.” Trips to Israel, planting trees, blah blah blah.

By that time, dessert had come out. After a few moments of mentioning how delicious the dessert was, it was time for the after meal prayers. After that the head of the event announced that everybody was to take their chairs and form a circle. They would be passing around bongo drums, or drums of some sort.

As I waited for people to start singing, “May the circle…be unbroken…by and by Lord, by and by…,” my friend asked me if I was joining in the drum circle. I replied, “Well as much as I love a good drum circle as much as any other straight man, I think I am calling it a night.”

Some could fault me for not realizing how many true believers liked the evening the way it was. This is not the case. Even the zealots cannot recruit new zealots unless they can talk to them on a more personal basis.

This is the Jewish community in a nutshell. Bleeding heart do gooders are in the Synagogues, and they divide into two groups of people. The first group could care less about the audience. The social cause of the week is all that matters, whether it be “save the homosexual mosquitoes” or “allow wildlife to have abortions.” The “I hate evil republicans Museum of Tolerance” is a very popular one.

The second group of people actually want young single Jews to meet. They are just too self absorbed to understand how to avoid making things worse. My advice to these activists is simple.

Shut…up…just…shut…up…for five minutes…just…shut…up.

I am not saying they have to become conservatives. I doubt liberal Jews will ever embrace the NRA, but if the entire room was armed, they could have demanded silence long enough to have decent conversation. Liberals have every right to be boring and wrong, but pause for a few moments. Take a breath. Understand that some of the people in the room are trying to scope each other out, and we cannot impregnate anybody and bring new life into the world if the only thing we know about the person we may lust after is that they are as bored and fed up as we are.

Young single Jews today will remain (censored) until the event planners realize that the event is secondary, and that the attendees themselves are the primary focus.

The next time I have to sit through an evening of “Jewish transsexuals for peace in the West Bank,” all I ask is that if there is a hot girl across the table from me, let us get to know each other before she rips her name tag off in disgust and goes home out of boredom.

I would prefer my community of Jews stop being leftist liberal lacktivists to begin with. That is too much to ask. If they can just reduce their acid-base ratio to 95% useless mindnumbing, self righteous zealots, and 5% quiet docile, silent people, that would be a good start. 5% is better than nothing, and babies can be conceived in a short amount of time.

Or at least have the girls wear hemp skirts that the guys can bury their face in like a good bong if the event planners run out of earthy potatoes. Oh, who am I kidding…with my luck the girls would be liberal in every way except one…they would be morally conservative.

Ok, off to buy ductape. My friends and I will chat with each other next time, lacktivists be d@mned. We are young, Jewish, lusty, and in need of less social justice, and more socializing.

eric

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