By Attila Honey

If  I die and wake up in a WalMart store, have I gone to hell?  Well, if it’s questionable as to where I am but then I  see a WalMart store and standing at the front door is a WalMart greeter putting smiley faces on all those who enter…call me crazy, but I say I’ve gone straight to hell!

Honestly, if I see one more ad telling me how much WalMart loves me, I think I’ll consider shooting myself in the foot! Advertising always has a subliminal effect on people and, in the case of WalMart, in the not to distant future,  instead of thanking God for our well being, we’ll start thinking, “Thank you WalMart for caring!”

My favorite ad is the one around Halloween where the young pumpkin grower tells us how she started out selling two pumpkins on the side of the road until the WalMart fairy discovered her. Then she says, “Our company is now the pumpkin supplier to the world!” Most suppliers selling their goods to WalMart work on a 3% profit margin because they’re squeezed to death by this giant corporation. There’s a joke amongst suppliers. It goes like this: There were 5 suppliers that went to China with the WalMart buyers and all came back weeping except one – who came back laughing. Question: Why was there only one laughing? Answer: That was the supplier that no longer had to deal with them.  If  I die and wake up in a WalMart store, have I gone to hell? Hummm.

From the perspective of a consumer, let’s all agree that their prices are great BUT I’ve grown to loathe going into that store. Why you say? Because when I walk in, either a cheerful person in a wheelchair or a wonderful 80 year old senior smiles and says, “Welcome to WalMart” and proceeds to put a smiley face sticker on my hand…momentarily giving me a warm and fuzzy feeling. The smiley face sticker is a problem but then I think to myself…ok! I can deal with this. Then I mentally spin it in a positive way and think to myself, “O.K. no sweat! This smiley face is just God telling me to be happy and always keep Him in my thoughts. ”

Now I’m the type shopper that 1) I don’t browse but go straight to the section where the merchandise is that I want 2) I see what I want and pop it into the basket 3) I pay for it and walk out! Just zip zip – in and out! But herein lies the rub: After telling me through every conceivable form of media that WalMart really cares about me, being welcomed at the door in and warm and fuzzy way – and now that I’m leaving with WalMart purchases up the wazoo….I’m not allowed to leave the store! Why? Because there is a line of paying customers with packages whose receipts must be checked by a WalMart Nazi with a yellow marker.

God forbid I should drop my receipt because at that juncture – the WalMart manager would no doubt have me escorted to a holding cell until the cops came. What’s wrong with this picture? From their perspective, there are many reasons why they do this, i.e., shop lifters, but from the perspective of an ordinary consumer, I don’t like being made to feel as though I’ve just stolen a package of underwear (on sale). There’s more to this story but just the word WalMart makes me want to run for a Klondike Bar. So for now, I’ll ask the same question: If I die and wake up in a WalMart store, have I gone to hell?

Read Part 2 on Sunday Dec 20

Attila Honey- if you like this, check out my online blog at www.attilathehoney.com

FrogtownSoundCards is the sponsor of The Attila the Honey Comedy Hour. Wake up with Attila and gang 7 mornings a week at wggrn.com at 10amCentral. We’re like peanuts, you just can’t get enough.